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SO, As promised I am in a MUCH better mood that I was in last week. This week has really flown by. A lot has happened and there is some good and some bad, and some in the middle. I guess Ill just start from the beginning so you all know what the hell im talking about!!
When I left off I was doing my diary withholding a little bit. I was extremely irritated for another reason. And I am going to try and be civil here but it might come out like Cybil instead of civil!! Now granted I don???t know Jeff very well but lets just say that I was not impressed with the first impression he gave me. And I EMPHISIZE that I don???t know Jeff yet and I am not passing judgments here at all. Im sure he is a nice person. I look forward to getting to know him. Let me explain why I was irritated Sunday night. Well as you know Sunday was his first day interviewing here at CBL. Well, he just didn???t seam to get the point that Jerry and I are dating. Now I know that there is no firm commitment from either of us as being exclusive but I was annoyed because Jeff kept hitting on jerry. Not in a subtle way either. Now mind you the fact that he was hitting on jerry pissed me off a little, but what really pissed me off was that Rob, pulled him aside and told Jeff that jerry and I were an item and I was getting a little pissed that he kept hitting on jerry (side note???nothing had been established as far as relationship wise with jerry as of yet, so I was really really into him at this time)(as I still am). After Rob???s discussion with Jeff, HE STILL WAS HITTING ON JERRY. He saw it was pissing me off and he still did it regardless. So much so that it was irritating Jerry too. So call me jaded but Jeff didn???t make a good first impression on me AT ALL!! From what I saw and granted it was only for a short time that I was around him, he did not have much respect for me at all. So I was sitting on that, trying to keep myself in control and be nice cause he was an applicant. Now Jeff may be a perfectly nice guy and we may have just gotten off on the wrong foot. So I look forward to getting to know Jeff and I hope that we can get on ???the right foot??? with each other seeing that he is now my new room mate for however long it is that I remain at CBL.
I started out the rest of the week really excited to spend some alone time away from the house with jerry just the two of us. It was sooooo fucking relaxing!! I was soo mellow and relaxed. I had a great time with him! We went to do our gig at Disney with Toxic Audio. They are an Vocal group that synthesizes musical instruments with their voices. VERRY COOL!! They are amazing!! Well our part was singing backup vocals with them. I got to be on stage with them while they performed and it was REALLY great!! I had SOOOO much fun!!! The song we sang was listen to the music by the doobie brothers. It sounded soooo cool! Our compensation was 4 Disney tickets. After the show Jerry and I were sneaking off while the rest of the group was being escorted back to the entrance of the park. Jerry and I rode a few rides that I had never been on and we stayed for the firework display at the end. It was really cool. The next day we slept in a little and came back in the afternoon so I could chat. On the way home I started ???The conversation??? You all know the one???.I???m starting to have feelings for you and I would like to know where you see this going. This whole conversation started cause there is always mention of ???friends??? he is hooking up with to ???watch movies??? and ???hang out with??? but I have never met any of them and they are ALL guys. This one in particular was a very cute guy I did meat at the club the night before While we were getting ready to leave for me to take him home he called jerry and wanted to ???hang out??? and ???watch movies??? with him. I guess in a way I was looking for some kind of commitment from him. And not like a solid relationship commitment. I just told him that sex means a lot to me and I wanted to know that I was the only one he was having sex with. I know and support being able to see other people. That is what dating is. But I just wanted to know that I was the only person that he was having sex with. He said that he couldn???t promise me that that I would be the only one. So in other words he was not willing to be monogamous with me. And that turned into me asking what his feelings were for me. And he told me that he ??? was still waiting for something??? He said he cared about me and enjoyed being around me but wanted to have ???an open relationship??? it was about then my heart sank into my stomach and I wanted to cry. Now I was not expecting this instant love relationship I was actually expecting very little because things usually go smoother without expectations. But I DEFANATLY was not expecting to hear the ???open relationship??? phrase. And I really thought I felt something from him. I believed he was having feelings for me too. So when he said that he ???was still waiting for something??? I could have died. So after our conversation I guess we decided to still ???date??? each other and ???see what happens??? Which really, am ok with. Just what he said struck a painful memory that is all too familiar about the whole open relationship. So I get home and he falls asleep next to me while I am trying to hold it together in chat. After chat we fell asleep in were holding each other and I started to cry. I could not stop myself. After a while he leaves to go ???hang out??? with his friend. Now I am already a wreck. Brock comes in and sees how upset I am and he tells me to confide in him and tell him what is wrong. So after a while of resisting???I do I told him everything and he promises me not to tell anyone. Later that night Brock and I got into a little fight that turned into a big fight. He pissed me off so bad I eventually ended up telling him that I wish I had never met him. So Brock decides to go for the jugular and hit me in the softest spot I have. He said ???Go fuck jerry, oh wait, jerry is fucking someone else right now,,,, he doesn???t want you just like I never wanted you just like no one will EVER want you. So I smacked him right across the face. Now mind you I have NEVER been so angry in my life that I would want to hurt someone. That is the firs time in my life I have struck someone when I wasn???t defending myself. Now I barely slapped him. It didn???t even leave a mark. Like I have said I have hit someone before but only in self defense so it surprised me that I was that angry. No one has ever been able to push me to that point. Brock acted like I had just beat the living shit out of him. He wanted to call 911 and make a big seen. Now I knew I was wrong for slapping him but at the same time I didn???t feel like I was wrong. We basically decided that we were no longer friends and that was it. The next morning I went to zac and told him what had happened. And Jonathan too. I was told by a lot of people that while slapping him wasn???t the best thing to do, they did not blame me at all. Which is how I feel totally about it. Sometimes when you go for the kill on someone it backfires. He went for the kill on me and I smacked the shit out of him. I feel that it wasn???t the best thing to do at the time but honestly if he said the same thing to me again today, Id want to smack him again. It was a build up of everything he has ever done to me. All came rushing back. I don???t know if you understand or not. But I do.
That is enough on that note. I spent the rest of the week calling in people for interviews and helping zaccie around the office. I called in 4 more applicants. Speaking of applicants Id like to welcome ROB and JEFF to cbl. CONGRADULATIONS!! I look forward to getting to know you both. Jeff no hard feelings here at all. WELCOME!
Umm I???m trying to think of what else happened this wee, Oh on Sunday Brock came In the meeting and apologized to everyone and made a VERY commendable effort to make amends with me and zac and Jonathan for the way he has been acting lately. I really commend him and I will really try hard to work past our differences.
Jerry and I will be fine. I still look forward to seeing how things progress even if it???s just as friends.
I hate to kind of cut it off here but I see the sun coming up and I haven???t even started my video diary yet
So Im going to stop on that note.
Have a great week and Ill see you in chat/
01/18/04
Ok, another week has gone by and its time again to write in the good ole??? CBL diary. I do have to admit I???m not exactly excited to do this. Just cause the simple fact that sometimes I get in a mood and don???t feel as extroverted as I really am. I???m sure this will subside as I begin. There are a lot of things on my mind, most of which my feelings of annoyance. Expressing them makes me even more annoyed. While yes, I do live in a cam house; I am a very private person in a lot of ways. I know that will get a lot of you scratching your heads. Let me try to explain. The cams in this house are so small up in the corner of the room you barely notice that they are there. And even acknowledging that they are there threw chat and so fourth, it is known that there is a considerable distance between you and the people at the other end of the cameras so there is still a sense of privacy, yes A LOT of people can see you, but there is no one physically there. More than that, I have my personal space. In this sense, I am a VERY private person. My room is my personal territory and somewhere I seek refuge and sanctuary, it is my sacred space and that is just the way I feel. I feel the same way about the house I live in. It is really hard to have a lot of people here at random. I am enjoying the application process and love meeting new people have met a lot wonderful guys throughout the process, but I will be glad when it is over. I have also always been sensitive to chaotic energy around me and it feels like the house is always restless. With Kevin leaving, people in and out of the house, the emotions I???m going threw with life right now is just leaving me drained. I feel like I have a head ache all the time and I don???t know why. And like I said NO one should take any of this personally at all. I am just drained. I can???t wait till the house gets settled with new roommates and everything is balanced out again. Everyone who has applied is great and it???s going to be some hard choices for zac and us boys to make.
Other than that I have been really stressed about work and school and how things are going to work out. Its just one thing at a time one foot in front of the other. Sometimes I just get so anxious I just want to take leaps and bounds and get it over with. But I need to be patient. Patient with myself and patient with everything else. So, I am still undecided about which I???m going to try and do first, school or work for car. But it???s a decision that is in the making and will be executed shortly.
I am really excited for Tuesday because I have a gig with Jerry. We are singing back up vocals for a Choral group called Toxic Audio at Disney!!!!! I cant wait it has been years since I have performed ANYTHING. I am really nervous but it should be a lot of fun.
Jerry and I are doing pretty well. I am trying to get him to understand that it is ok that he has a life outside of me. I know he has school and work and not a lot of time in between. All I ask is that I be squeezed in there at some point, and we do get time together, just not like everyday???..which is really a good thing. Two people shouldn???t spend 24 hours a day with each other when they first meet???.its not healthy. It is a little difficult because I feel bad that EVERY time he has to drive out here to see me. If I had a car I would come see him and we could meet places, and that would make it a lot easier to see each other. We live a LONG way away from each other and I don???t think its fair for him to always have to make the effort to drive here if he wants to see me. If I only had a car, my life would be so much easier. We hung out all day at universal studios and spent the night at his house. We had a great time. I feel like we are getting closer to each other a little bit. We will be doing the same tomorrow; I have no chat for 2 days so we will be hanging out together. I have a lot of fun with jerry am hopeful about our future.
I feel like I???m leaving a lot out of this diary, but like I said in the beginning, I???m not really feeling like myself right now. Here is the roommate interactions for the week
Kevin.
Kevin left us this week. It is really sad and I am sad to see him go, but at the same time could slap the shit out of him for making such a mountain out of a mole hill. All he had to do was fix the fucking blinds. It would have cost him maybe 20$ to replace the 2 tiny little wood slats he broke on them???. they do sell the slates individually???I checked online. And if he would have told Zac right away that he broke them on accident, I guarantee that Zac wouldn???t have been nearly as mad as he was and would have been willing to help with fixing it???after all accidents happen.. Instead, he never told zac about the blinds and when zac found out about it, he tried to lie about it. Then he refused to do anything to correct the situation. Well, Now he is talking all this trash like Zac and Jonathan are going to throw us out next, um???he said that he was going to get CBL shut down and start all kinds of lawsuits against Zac???and I couldn???t help but be reminded of Jim. I know that may sound harsh but that is how he was acting. Well with the exception that Kevin wasn???t a drunken drug addict.
Kevin, did you make the right decision? No but do I love ya? Ofcorse, and I hope everything works out for you. You are a cool guy and it???s been a pleasure getting to know you. Please don???t let your aggravations with zac cause you to make rash decisions like lawsuits against CBL that you know you cant win. One its too expensive???Two, its not worth it man???just let it go. Ok? MAUH Kevin and I hope you come and visit me
ZAC
Zac has been really stressed lately but unlike most times he has remained civil through out it all FOR THE MOST PART. Zaccie has been great the last week.
Jonathan: Jonathan has been all excited about the new car and he is just tickled pink. I did find out what he was upset with me about and it has been settled, so we are getting along really good lately.
Brock
I???m really torn here about what to say. I like Brock, he is my friend. BUT I am so annoyed with him right now I cant see straight.
He did something this week with the applicant dustian that was really wickedly shady. I was really disappointed in him for this. He tried to get the applicant in bed and when Brock was turned down, he told the applicant he wasn???t the right material for CBL. This was a conversation was recorded on AIM and I was REALLY tempted to post it here so you could read for yourself. Brock says he was just testing the applicant, but honestly I don???t believe him. The chat log spoke for itself. It hurt me in a way, that I stuck up for him any time someone had something bad to say about Brock being shady or anything like that then he goes and does that. I will go into this a lot more in my video diary. I just want to say Brock that you are a good guy and I don???t know why you would do that. With your general attitude around the house lately it just seams that you don???t want to be here. Try to come out of your room more and have some fun!! Life is more than going to work and chat. I hope you come around dear! And I'm sorry if this entry was harsh but its true.
So, how has everyone's week been? Mine has been eventful to say the least. I guess Ill just start with the beginning. I decided to quit smoking. It has been really hard???I mean REALLY hard. But I have been doing great! I haven't smoked for a full week now! Jerry has been great he has given me lots of positive encouragement and support. This is an extremely hard thing to do and he has really been there for me. My decision to quit centered around mostly my health. I am asthmatic and I also have chronic bronchitis. I rarely have problems down here in Florida because of the climate. As long as I don't physically exert myself like running for a long time and stay away from cats and cold weather I'm fine. But smoking defiantly does not help. Other than that its just soooo damn expensive!! I would be lying if I said that Jerry didn't have anything to do with my decision. All the other things I already knew (the health and stuff???not good for me ect.) but Jerry had a big part in setting everything in motion. I had been thinking about quitting all the previous week and I truly was sick of smoking, the dependency, the late night hacking and coughing up of gross things, and spending all that money. I just needed a little encouraging push. Things between Jerry and I are going really good. I think I pretty much covered in last week's diary how I feel about him. To be totally honest, the hesitation has set in. And by that I just meant that I am realizing that I am getting attached and the fears swell up in the back of my mind. Jerry is great and he makes me feel good inside. As hard as it is to admit, am insecure in certain ways. I don't really want to make this known to him but it is a diary and I am always honest in them about what is going on and how I feel. So my fear is that he will get bored with me and move on to something better. That is it in a nutshell. I am afraid that I wont be able to hold his interest for long. I am older and don't have as much going for me as he does. The only reason that worries me is that I really like Jerry. I guess time will tell. From what I can tell, he likes me a lot too. And Im sure that these thoughts of mine are just that of paranoia but that is what happens when you've been burned before. But I wont let that get in the way of things. Wish me luck! The other thing that happened this week is that I lost my job. Yah, I got fired. It was for a stupid reason, but I can say that I am sort of glad that it did happen. I was completely miserable there. I was spending more on getting to work than I was actually making at work. It was a very un economic and unprosperous situation I was glad to get out of???.I just wish I had something else lined up before it happened. This joblessness has also given me a reason to reconsider going to school. Now I would love to go to school. I've wanted nothing less since I moved back to Orlando. Every time I start the process, some major hurdle comes in my way and I cant get around it. So this is very frustrating for me. I want so badly to go to school but once again I have hurdles. There is transportation, which is the biggest one. If I can solve the transportation thing I will be set. I have the financial aid for school itself and it would be great to start while I'm at CBL. I have been saving what little money I have coming in for a car. I don't want anything fancy, it just has to run that is all. I have the license situation taken care of in the since that all I have to do is pay a 60$ reactivation fee and show proof of insurance and they will lift the hold on my license. So I need to go buy a policy which will be like 200$ to start. Fl is so expensive. They said that I could even be added to someone's insurance it didn't matter so long as I had my name somewhere on a policy. So I will be spending this week finding out how I can do this. The license is the first step. Then I will work on getting a car. We had some more applicants come over to the house. There was one named Rob that stayed the weekend with us. Now I am going to hold my opinions on applicants till the end of the process but lets just say that Rob made a very good positive lasting impression. That is all I can say for now. I know I'm leaving out things from the week but this whole week has been really ???um???. full. There is lots going on with my emotions and my life. I have a lot of decisions to make about school and stuff. The most positive thing all week has been of course Jerry. He is a breath of fresh air to some of the madness of CBL life, and life in general. Now as I wont report on EVERY detail that happens as some things are private, I will defiantly let you know how things are going with us. I was kind of bummed out the last night cause we were supposed to go out and have some fun at the club, but he got to studying and was too tired to go out. Poor thing! I wish I could do his homework for him! Well I decided to go out with the boys. I had a lot of fun dancing and drinkin. I was VERY good. I didn't smoke at all alllllll night long. I ran into a lot of friends and had a great time. Now last night I got REALLY drunk. I mean more so than I think I have ever been. I do drink but I am always good about not getting sloppy drunk. I had lots of friends around to kina watch over me and make sure I was good and didn't do anything I wouldn't normally do. I was well watched after and from what I hear I was a good boy. I had a lot of fun and I understand that I did some drunk calling. Now I apologize to Jerry cause im told I called him a few times. And I apologize to anyone else I bothered last night with my drunk ass LOL!!! A special apology goes out to the people at IHOP. They were extremely patient with us and thanks feeding us and not throwing our drunk Asses out. I'm going to stop here and skip roommate interactions this week because there is really nothing major or different going on. We are all getting along relatively good so there isn't much to add to that. We are all looking forward to having a new roommate and we are having fun meeting all these new people. Its going to be a hard decision that we but mostly zac has to make???we have seen a lot of GREAT guys that would be perfect for the house. Have a great week everyone and Ill see ya in chats to come. MAUH!!
LA~LA!!!!!!!!!
So, how has everyone???s week been? Mine has been eventful to say the least. I guess Ill just start with the beginning. I decided to quit smoking. It has been really hard???I mean REALLY hard. But I have been doing great! I haven???t smoked for a full week now! Jerry has been great he has given me lots of positive encouragement and support. This is an extremely hard thing to do and he has really been there for me. My decision to quit centered around mostly my health. I am asthmatic and I also have chronic bronchitis. I rarely have problems down here in Florida because of the climate. As long as I don???t physically exert myself like running for a long time and stay away from cats and cold weather I???m fine. But smoking defiantly does not help. Other than that its just soooo damn expensive!! I would be lying if I said that Jerry didn???t have anything to do with my decision. All the other things I already knew (the health and stuff???not good for me ect.) but Jerry had a big part in setting everything in motion. I had been thinking about quitting all the previous week and I truly was sick of smoking, the dependency, the late night hacking and coughing up of gross things, and spending all that money. I just needed a little encouraging push. Things between Jerry and I are going really good. I think I pretty much covered in last week???s diary how I feel about him. To be totally honest, the hesitation has set in. And by that I just meant that I am realizing that I am getting attached and the fears swell up in the back of my mind. Jerry is great and he makes me feel good inside. As hard as it is to admit, am insecure in certain ways. I don???t really want to make this known to him but it is a diary and I am always honest in them about what is going on and how I feel. So my fear is that he will get bored with me and move on to something better. That is it in a nutshell. I am afraid that I wont be able to hold his interest for long. I am older and don???t have as much going for me as he does. The only reason that worries me is that I really like Jerry. I guess time will tell. From what I can tell, he likes me a lot too. And Im sure that these thoughts of mine are just that of paranoia but that is what happens when you???ve been burned before. But I wont let that get in the way of things. Wish me luck! The other thing that happened this week is that I lost my job. Yah, I got fired. It was for a stupid reason, but I can say that I am sort of glad that it did happen. I was completely miserable there. I was spending more on getting to work than I was actually making at work. It was a very un economic and unprosperous situation I was glad to get out of???.I just wish I had something else lined up before it happened. This joblessness has also given me a reason to reconsider going to school. Now I would love to go to school. I???ve wanted nothing less since I moved back to Orlando. Every time I start the process, some major hurdle comes in my way and I cant get around it. So this is very frustrating for me. I want so badly to go to school but once again I have hurdles. There is transportation, which is the biggest one. If I can solve the transportation thing I will be set. I have the financial aid for school itself and it would be great to start while I???m at CBL. I have been saving what little money I have coming in for a car. I don???t want anything fancy, it just has to run that is all. I have the license situation taken care of in the since that all I have to do is pay a 60$ reactivation fee and show proof of insurance and they will lift the hold on my license. So I need to go buy a policy which will be like 200$ to start. Fl is so expensive. They said that I could even be added to someone???s insurance it didn???t matter so long as I had my name somewhere on a policy. So I will be spending this week finding out how I can do this. The license is the first step. Then I will work on getting a car. We had some more applicants come over to the house. There was one named Rob that stayed the weekend with us. Now I am going to hold my opinions on applicants till the end of the process but lets just say that Rob made a very good positive lasting impression. That is all I can say for now. I know I???m leaving out things from the week but this whole week has been really ???um???. full. There is lots going on with my emotions and my life. I have a lot of decisions to make about school and stuff. The most positive thing all week has been of course Jerry. He is a breath of fresh air to some of the madness of CBL life, and life in general. Now as I wont report on EVERY detail that happens as some things are private, I will defiantly let you know how things are going with us. I was kind of bummed out the last night cause we were supposed to go out and have some fun at the club, but he got to studying and was too tired to go out. Poor thing! I wish I could do his homework for him! Well I decided to go out with the boys. I had a lot of fun dancing and drinkin. I was VERY good. I didn???t smoke at all alllllll night long. I ran into a lot of friends and had a great time. Now last night I got REALLY drunk. I mean more so than I think I have ever been. I do drink but I am always good about not getting sloppy drunk. I had lots of friends around to kina watch over me and make sure I was good and didn???t do anything I wouldn???t normally do. I was well watched after and from what I hear I was a good boy. I had a lot of fun and I understand that I did some drunk calling. Now I apologize to Jerry cause im told I called him a few times. And I apologize to anyone else I bothered last night with my drunk ass LOL!!! A special apology goes out to the people at IHOP. They were extremely patient with us and thanks feeding us and not throwing our drunk Asses out. I???m going to stop here and skip roommate interactions this week because there is really nothing major or different going on. We are all getting along relatively good so there isn???t much to add to that. We are all looking forward to having a new roommate and we are having fun meeting all these new people. Its going to be a hard decision that we but mostly zac has to make???we have seen a lot of GREAT guys that would be perfect for the house. Have a great week everyone and Ill see ya in chats to come. MAUH!!
LA~LA!!!!!!!!!
hey hey hey! What a week! It all started with new years!!!!
Although it didn???t go as planned, I still had a great time with my friend Christy. We were supposed to go in a limmo and it was going to be fairytale magical night. lol so much for that
Lol
Well we did have fun but there was allot of things that just fell apart much like the proceeding year. So really it was perfect!
We ended up getting drunk at Christies house.
I also spent the evening talking to my friend Adam who was on vacation (not by choice). He is a cool guy that has been talking to me for about a month and a half. We chat online allot but he seams too shy to ever come and meet me. I'm starting to think that he never will. He seams to be a real sweetheart and I would like to meet him and hang out.
I hurt myself at work. I went to pick up a tray and sprained my wrist. When I went to go get it checked out they said I also had tendenitous, which really sucks cause they say I cant serve again till it gets better. So I don???t know what I am going to do for money. I???m a little stressed but I always make it threw. On the good side of things I get a little break from serving which I was starting to get a little burned out on. So I have to host till my doctor tells me I can use my hand to serve again.
We had a few applicants come over this week. One of them was a guy named Jerry. I was stunned when I met him. It was an instant attraction. He has such an outgoing personality and he is HOT!! I really wanted to talk to him a little more because he did spend most of his time over here talking to zac about the house and such. I didn???t sense from the beginning a REALLY strong desire to get in. I figured that he just wanted to come and hang out for a bit and check out the house. What I saw and heard of him I liked allot and I didn???t want him to leave without the possibility of coming back and was afraid of the possibility that he would kina get lost in the application pile incase zaccie didn???t like him as a CBL applicant. So I was raiding Jonathans closet and I had on this hot outfit. For the first time in a long time I felt really ok with how I looked and I guess I just felt fucking hot! I think that gave me the extra confidence that I needed to ask him if he would be interested in going out to the club with us. I was really hoping he would say yes and he did. We went to lava lounge and we were talking and I just gravitated towards him. We got flirty with each other, and I got the signal from him that he was interest in me. Now in the back of my mind I'm thinking. Maybe this isn???t a good idea because he is an applicant and I don???t want to cause any drama. The other voice in my head.... the stronger voice was shouting FUCK IT!! Screw what other people think! For the first time in a long time you are extremely interested in someone special and there is no telling when you will see him again if you don???t make a move so GO FOR IT!!!! So I made sure he knew that I was interested. We went to the parliament house for a while and we spent most of the time chit chatting and getting to know each other. We get back to the house and I promise I really wasn???t planning on doing anything with him sexually (not that I didn???t want to, but thought that maybe it would be best if maybe we talked a little bit about it first) so we went to steak and shake for a little dinner and conversation. We discussed allot of things among which was the general outlook mainly from members and zac about roommates in a relationship with each other. Now I put to him in a hypothetical sanario a "what If". I asked what if we get closer to each other. I told him that I didn???t want to damage his chances of getting in the house. And he basically said that he was not about to let a situation slip by because of what some people might think and then he said that if he doesn???t get in he doesn???t get in NO BIG DEAL! He would still come to visit and he might enjoy being a guest more than a resident. So we came home and I still wasn???t planning on having sex with him and was perfectly happy with the idea of cuddling and snuggling with him all night. We started to cuddle and snuggle and caress each other and it was so wonderful. His skin was so soft and inviting. His hair smelled so good and his kisses were so so sweet. I saw quickly where this was heading and again in the back of my mind was the voice that said that I didn???t want any drama. Mainly from Brock but other house members. I didn???t want to be known as the CBL-boy who slept with the applicant and corrupted him or something equally dramatic. Again the other LOUDER voice was making more sense. FUCK IT! Don???t let a potential very special someone slip threw your fingers cause you are afraid of what people think!! So I decided that I would again tell him that if he sleeps with me or peruses anything with me it may damage his chances at getting in the house, and I told him that he was going to have to make the choice and it was totally up to him. And he basically shut me up with the most passionate kiss I have had in YEARS! I again said ARE YOU SURE? And he said SHUT UP! And began kissing me so deeply so gently I was uplifted to another place in another time where there was no cameras there was no audience and there was no CBL. It was just HE and I and it was the most passionate sex ive had in a LONG time. It was more than just getting off it was more than a QUICK HARD FUCK it was sustaining and lasting and I didn???t want it to end.
After the sex, we just lie there and held each other, we fell asleep cuddling and I slept the best ive slept in months
The next morning was of course Sunday, Cleaning day and meeting time. So I was of course expecting to be CRUSIFIED for what I had done but I really didn???t care AT ALL! So I sat there and let everything that was said about the "unspoken rule" BULLSHIT go in one ear and out the other. The only one who bitched about it was Brock. The others were just teasing me in a playful manner. After the meeting I had to go and get ready for work to see what my schedule would be for hosting. Jerry dropped me off and wanted to come pick me up after he had run some errands and stuff. So we came back to the house and I did my chores then we chilled in the theater room and watched a movie. I have such a good time cuddling him. He makes me feel very comfortable. We spent the rest of the night just hanging out with everyone except Brock, he seamed to recluse to his room. After the hot tub, Jerry and I went upstairs and had another amazing sexual experience with candles and plenty of sensuality, again it was amazing and felt so good. We got up this morning and I did my video diary while he got ready for school. After he left I sat down to write this written diary. I decided to skip the stupid drama so it wouldn???t take away from me relaying this beautiful experience to you all, I didn???t want the person in question to get what he wanted and that was to guilt me into feeling bad about what I was doing. I will get more into this in room mate interactions, as it is hardly comparative to the good things that deserve to be told about my week.
All and all it was a great week and I look forward to the coming week.
Room Mate Interactions:
Kevin:
I???m glad to have Kevin home I missed having the little guy around. I???m glad he had a good vacation and I am also glad that he has things straightened out with Jim as far the status of the relationship or lack there of. Now maybe Kevin can move on to better things. GOOD LUCK KEVIE! you gunna get a fine man!!!
Jonathan: we haven???t seen much of each other the past few days and I hope he isn???t mad at me or anything.....Jonathan is probly the only one in the house who I really care what he thinks. on a friend level Id be sad if he was mad at me about something. I plan to talk to him this evening and maybe he has just been busy,.... well see.
Zaccie. We have been getting along really well the past few weeks. No problems what so ever! I???ve been going over allot of ideas for chat and things for the site.
Brock :(
I have purposely left out the drama Brock is causing in my life for the simple fact that I am not letting it get to me. This is basically what it boils down to. I have moved on. He didn???t expect to feel any certain way about me and the first person that I seamed to show interest in. He is cleverly using the fact that Jerry is an applicant as a catalyst to precede the notion that that is the reason why he doesn???t think I should have sex with him. As hard as it is for you to realize Brock. Whether he was an applicant or not is not the issue here. You are fighting feelings that you thought you had long since berried in someone else???s ass. You thought maybe sex with other people meant that you were moving on, but the truth is, that was just a temporary fix. Feelings like that don???t just go away they have to be dealt with. I empathize with the pain, but there is nothing I can do to help that. You made the decision and have been pushing me for the past 6 weeks to move on. Well I am doing just that. And as far as me "flaunting" things in your face and I am to blame for "jabbing the dagger in you heart" as you so dramatically put it is SOOOO untrue. YOU were the one who decided to watch MY cam in MY bedroom; YOU made yourself sit threw it. YOU were the one who put yourself in the middle of the hot tub situation. Once again you chose to sit there and watch us. And as for me not respecting you the way you respected me??? Here is the thing. I asked you to not bring anyone over for a few weeks to give me time to get over it. I used the time wisely to get over it. You chose to bottle it up and not deal with it. So it is not my fault that after 6 weeks you are not yet over it, after giving me the strong impression that you were over it. Now you pull a 360% turn around and act like I knew you went over it and am purposely doing the to hurt you like we JUST broke up...well its been 6 weeks, there is a BIG difference. So please don???t blame me for you putting yourself in a situation to HURT inside by watching my cam, intruding on intimate moments thinking just cause you come in the room I will put my life on hold, and even by reading this diary as I???m sure you will do. This is your decision to expose yourself to me moving on. Now granted I???m not going to fuck someone right in front of you. That would just be mean but by you watching my cam you are just bringing it on yourself. I have tried to be your friend Brock and I am really hurt by the way you reacted to this in chat and the way you are trying to paint me as "the bad guy" for doing exactly what you wanted me to do. IF you can stop trying to make me look bad and stop being vengeful than I would like to begin building a friendship with you like I have always been open to doing. This means no more causing fights to push my buttons so I say things that hurt me and make me look mean. And this also means letting go of the past.
I will always love you on some level Brock just not the level that I wanted but you refused. Lets just please GET OVER THIS so we can move on with our lives and our friendship.
I apologize for the harsh, fed up nature of this portion of the diary but I have tried sensitivity to no avail. I truly hope that we can get over each other and just be friends. I am over it now it???s your turn.
ALWAYS here for you as a friend, David
Well that does it for this week???s diary. I hope I didn???t cause too much damage and I really hope that Brock and I can now move forward. I am truly sorry for the harshness of this entry but this has been building for weeks now and everything I said was true and I meant every word. PLEASE do the right thing with this information Brock, don???t take it, as an attack for this is MY diary and MY way of expressing it. I hope you can be mature enough to filter threw it and make sense of what I am trying to say. You are a good person and we are good friends but we need to move on from this and berry it once and for all or we have no hope for a future or present friendship.
Member interactions:
I have greatly enjoyed chatting with the members over the holidays; it has made me feel a little less alone. You are all a MAJOR part of this site and we all appreciate you every day! Sometimes there is drama in life, it is how we interpret it and process the information that helps us learn from it. It is vital and necessary to personal growth and existence. Not all drama is bad and EVIL! Not becoming consumed by it makes US all stronger. You all have the unique advantage of being able to experience life with us, seeing our natural drama, learning along with us, becoming stronger with us, and applying the lessons learned here to your own lives and your own reality. ENJOY CBL for everything that it is and everything you can learn from it.
WOW what a week!
As you all know Christmas has come and gone. WHEW! I was beginning to think that the Christmas music would play forever!! No I'm just kidding. I had a good holiday simply because of the members and the few people in my life who helped me threw it. MAUH TO YOU ALL YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE! I got a little drunk on Christmas, well a lot drunk!
I drank a whole bottle of wine to myself now this isn???t just one of the normal size bottles. This was the big huge one. BIG mistake. LOL I???m told that I was running around the house butt ass naked. I don???t remember anything at all. #1 reason I don???t usually drink that much. But aside from that I really enjoyed the traditional Christmas dinner Zac cooked. VERY YUMMY!!!!!!!!
Lets see. Other events this week was I spent a lot of time recovering from this panama flu or whatever the new one is. It was nasty though! I missed work all week long so Ill be glad to be making money again this week.
Ok Ok since it has just been blown so out of proportion I will address it. YES Brock had a trick over and yes I had sex with them. Was it a mistake? Probably, do I regret it? NO. I made the decision, and that is that.
Ok now that that is addressed, the drama that was talked about so much was really blown out of proportion.
Brock and I are having problems that don???t have anything to do with what happened with our friend and I really don???t know where this leaves things with us but we will see.
Hopefully I will be back to work this week. I???m feeling much better! Getting a little restless being around the house so much.
Other than that not a lot has happened
Here are my roommate interactions for the week
ZAC
Zac mad us a great Christmas feast and got us a really nice gift certificate for the mall THANK YOU ZAC!!!
We are getting along with each other just fine.
Jonathan
We are cool as usual. Jonathan is a great friend!
Kevin
Kevin hasn???t been here so nothing to report
Brock.
Brock and I are going threw some stuff with our friendship. We are having some problems but I???m sure we will work them out.
We have had ???words??? and I hope we learn from things and hope we can move on and develop our friendship.
Brock you are a good person and I want to be your friend
That???s all for the week and Ill see ya in chat!
MAUH!!
While I was sleeping I was dreaming that Brock was lying beside me holding me telling me how much he loved me. When I woke Brock was standing over me telling me to wake up for work. I suddenly remembered that he was no longer my boyfriend and all those feelings came rushing back like a flood. I instantly began to cry. After composing myself, I drug myself out of bed and got ready for work. Thank god for Jonathan. He took me to work since Brock used to be my ride to work in the morning. He and Sean has been key in my not loosing my mind. Without them and the support of zaccie, Kevin and the members I don???t know what I would do. Work sucked so badly today. It was all I could do to keep my composure. I made about 15 dollars cause it was soooo slow!
I came home and went straight to my room to have a good ball. I watched a movie but it made me sad cause it was about two boys who fall in love. And it was remarkably similar to the way Brock and I met and clicked right away.
I found myself getting angry and the guy on the screen cause he was saying everything Brock said to me. I threw my shoe at the TV and left. I slept till about 8 and went down to watch star trek. Brock came out of chat and started talking to me and I really didn???t know how to react. I carried on a civil conversation with him about work and such but I kept getting choked up while I was talking to him and I don???t know if he noticed or not. But all I wanted to do was tell him I love him
I got drunk in my chat. It was the only way I saw that I could be able to let off a little cum???I mean steam.
After that I went right to bed. MY ASS SLEPT IN!! The next morning had more dreams of Brock and I Being together. Waking up feeling like discarded trash. I think they refer to what I am going threw now as the PISED THE FUCK OFF stage. Today feeling very antagonistic and holding a fuck the world frame of mind
The rest of the week I just worked like crazy trying to keep my mind off shit.
Thanksgiving was really cool. It was a bummer because I was supposed to go with Brock to his family???s house. I was really sad. I did drink about a half bottle of wine and a whole bottle of champagne to my self. Hey it helped. Zaccie and Jonathan were so much fun to hang around! They have really been making this easier on me. They are becoming like family. As is everyone in the house
A special thanks to Tom Orlando for the fabulous feast he provided!!!! It was delish!!!
Sunday was Christmas decorating time!!!!!!!!
YAAY
I love decorating for Christmas!!!!!!!!
Hopefully I get to do more
Here are my interactions with the roommates.
Zaccie.
Zaccie has been wonderful in the way of making cbl a wonderful place to live. He has been really going out of his way for us and we love him for it.
Jonathan.
I???m having a lot of fun with you decorating and hopefully we get to do more.
Sean.
I am so sad that Sean is leaving he is a good friend and I hope we see a lot of him after he leaves CBL!!
Kevin
I haven???t seen much of kevie this week but all is good I luv ya buddy
Brock
I am still torn up about our situation while I do believe this is for the better it doesn???t help the pain any. I am a strong person and I will be fine???..I just hope it hurries up lol
I love you Brock together or not. You are so special to me and we will be great friends
Lots of love
DAVID
Well here we are again and I am late getting my diary in for you all. Im sorry for that. This week has been so eventful I really dont know where to begin.
I'll talk a littlebit about things that happened durring the week in a non spicific order and then Ill get to the obvious one
well Its sunday AGAIN. wow this week has flown by!
it was an interesting week and I have a few things to talk about.
I usually write in my diary at the end of each day so I dont leave anything out.
I didnt fallow my usual formula of diary writing this week so it might not be as organised. instead of going day by day like I usualy do I am just going to highlight the week by major events
Monday and tuesday I really didnt do much. by this time durring the week I was mainly doing laundry and enjoying living at cbl.
At some point durring the week jonathan and I decided to join his friends at a Kerioke bar for some drinks. Now his friends told him that it was a bisexual bar so I was like cool. On wour way down there jonathan called his friend and she tells him that it is a cowboy bar.....a STRAIGHT cowboy bar and here are jonathan and I are on the way dressed as GAY as gay can be. but we decided that we would go anyway. We had a good time. I got drunk and got up on stage and sang desperado (by the Eagles) It was a blast.
I also got a job this week at Olive Garden as a server and I am so excited. I was getting really depressed not having a job and starting to feel really down on myself. Pluss I was really starting to go crazy having nothing to do durring the day and not making money.
My financial situation has been pretty grim and is slowly starting to get on track
So Jonathan took me down there and I walked in and filled out an application. I talked to the mgr and he saw my experiance and my references and he pretty much got hiered on the spot. It made me feel really good because you all know how tedious looking for a job in a shaky market can be less than friutful.
Serving is not my favorite thing to do but Im really good at it and It pays the bills
Alot of the week was spent getting ready for the party and it turned out really good. We had alot of fun!
and the one thing that is foremost on my mind and is the reason I cant seam to remember what happened every day is what happened tonite....sunday
Brock and jonathan really got into it tonite and just verbally, and to tell you the trouth I really dont know what to say about any of it
I am so confused on how I should feel about it. I am in a very akward position. I really have alot to say about what happened but honestly I havent had time to digest anything. Im not going to say anything in this weeks diary but I will in next weeks. Please understand that im just overstimulated about this and dont know where to start
I hate to leave ya all hanging but please understand.
Ill see ya all in next weeks diary
Hello everyone well Sunday is here again and its time for another diary entry. I just want to start off by saying that all is going well. I am getting all settled into CBL and I really like it here! I would like to thank you all for the warm reception I have gotten from all of you members, you have helped make the transition into the house a smooth one. Thanks for all the emails and I hope to continue to get word form you guys from time to time. Sometimes things are a little hectic around here so I try to respond to my email as often as I can.
Well here are the week???s happenings.
Monday:
I didn???t get up for school today because Jonathan was ???Testing Out??? today on his GED and that began at 1:00pm and my classes only run till noon, and it would be silly to make him get up at 7 to take me there and home by noon so he could go back by 1. So today I slept in. Sean called and wanted to know if Kevin and I wanted to go to the Mall with him and Rolland. I wanted to go because I thought it would be a good chance for Sean and I to hang out and get to know each other a little better, and plus I really wanted to meet Rolland and see who this mystery man is in Sean???s life. Well Sean got there and Kevin was still in the shower. We were going to wait for him to get out but Sean tells me that Zac told him that Kevin couldn???t go because he never did his video diary. Now normally Zac isn???t going to say anything like that but the video diaries being completed are a huge portion of the Lease Agreement and a major component of the Website so of coarse he is going to enforce it. Well Sean and I both assumed that Zac told Kevin this so when he went into his room and turned up his music, I figured that he was pissed off because of it. We spent like 3 hours out or something like that and I got a chance to observe Rolland and Sean's interactions with each other and I really didn???t like what I saw in Rolland???s end. Now I feel horrible because Sean asked me in open chat what I thought about Rolland and I didn???t want to hurt his feelings or embarrass him so I did tell the truth but I didn???t elaborate on it any. From what I observed, Rolland while being pretty cute and having a great body and nice package, he was really bitchy. Now bitchy I can handle in fact sometimes I like bitchy people. What I didn???t like was the comments Rolland was making about Sean being jobless. Every time we passed a help wanted sign he would make a big deal out of telling him to go apply, saying things like ???Bitch get a job??? in a joking way but at the same time being equally insulting. I really felt like I needed to defend Sean against what he was saying, but didn???t feel like it was my place, and Sean is a big boy. The other thing that I didn???t like was that anytime I would be talking to Sean Rolland would interrupt what I was saying with something that had nothing to do with what I was talking about. Now what REALLY bothered me was at one point Sean and I were looking threw a really cool store with all kinds of Egypt themed stuff, Rolland was like??? ???I???m going two stores down to look at something I want.??? So Sean and I had some time to talk (without being interrupted) Sean says a few things that cause me believe that Rolland is leading Sean on. Well se start walking toward the store where he is supposed to be. Now when we walk in, I don???t know if Sean noticed the same thing I did but I could tell by Rolland???s body language that he and the clerk of that store were defiantly doing some serious hitting on each other. It was also the way they both backed away from each other when Sean walked in, and the look on Rolland???s face like he had done something wrong. When we left, Rolland was saying that he could get a job there. Than make a comment something to the effect of he gets what he wants just by batting a lash. My conclusions are also based on the dialog they had with each other on the way home, Rolland was saying some things that I didn???t like. All around I don???t know about Rolland, I don???t know if the 2 or 3 hours I was around him was enough to draw a fair conclusion. All I can say is that the first impression SUCKED! I love Sean to death; he has one of the best personalities I have run across in a long time. My honest opinion is that Rolland is lacking in personality compared to Sean. But I could be wrong and I hope I am. Sean deserves a good guy.
We came home and I was relaxing and Brock was off work early so we took a little nap and just had a relaxing afternoon and evening.
Tuesday:
I spent most of today unpacking and straightening out my room. Not a lot happened today. Brock worked a double so I was happy to se him when he finally got home.
Wednesday:
Brock and I both slept in today. It was for the most part a relaxing day. Brock came home and we both invited a friend over for a 3 way. It was really hot and we all had a good time. Brock took him home and we went to bed around 3 and of course the night owl, Brock stayed up and slept in his own bed this morning at around 7 or 8.
Thursday:
I vegged all day today. It was all rainy out so I just finished my room and watched a little TV.
I do want to take a few moments and address an issue that I had with the website today. I logged on to the main page and I red the gossip column. Now normally I really don???t put too much stock in what they have to say because it is just gossip. What I red on today???s gossip page was not gossip; it was what I viewed to be a pretty malicious attack on Brock and I. I will quote you what it said.
???Well once again Brock and David had ANOTHER trick. We can???t believe there are still tricks in the Orlando area that they have not had. A three way every once and a while at CBL is wild but those two have them all the time. Try something new guys!???
Now gossip is supposed to be on the page to promote the site and to get people interested in what is going on and things that happened during the course of the day. Not to bash the CBL boys and create hostility. Gossip is also supposed to be about something that actually happened and should not include personal opinions held by the people who write the column. The key to writing a good column is to stay natural. I know that I shouldn???t let it get under my skin, but these people are employed by CBL to help promote the website not bash the people who are key components in making the website run successfully. I just view this to be extremely unprofessional and it will not be tolerated. And another thing, I have never heared a complaint from the members about us ???hooking up??? too much. We are also here for you all. You the members is what its all about so Please tell us if you don???t like what you see. An attack on the front page of the site is not the place to confront someone on something you don???t like about the site. That is why we have email so you all can give us feedback on what you like and dislike about the site.
With that being said Ill move on.
Brock and I watched survivor after my chat and we decided not to go to the club tonight. We both need a weekend off from the club and get a change of scenery. It was nice to have a chill night
Friday:
We woke up at 1:00 today with plans to go to the beach, but I also had to sign contracts and get my thumb print id on the computer and everything else to make my sub-lease official so I had to wait for Zacci to get home. Well by the time all that was over it was already like 3:30 and it takes roughly and hour to get to our favorite beach and we would have only had an hour there before we would have had to return for chat so we ended up just sticking around the house. That way we could complete our diaries and early years.
Later that evening Brock went out to the club and I stayed home and invited a friend over for a little fun. Well he got here and I have to say that this kid is really cute, but he is dead set on trying to get into CBL even though he knows that there are no openings. It bothered me because that was all it was about to him. He told me before I went in for chat that he wanted to have sex in my chat because he felt it would increase his chances of being accepted to CBL. So I kind of felt like he used Brock and me so he could get in the house. The roommates were not impressed with him either. Jonathan interviewed him and I???m not sure what he thought of him but it didn???t look like they exactly hit it off. Well after chat I told him that I wanted to get fucked, and he was like cool. So we went upstairs and I layed down on my bed and he layed down next to me and just said how tiered he was I kept waiting for him to show some interest, but he just wanted to get on my computer and chat with the members. Now keep in mind that he hadn???t gotten off or so I knew he was horny so I didn???t understand why he didn???t want to do anything more. So finally I got frustrated and showed him Brock???s (where he would be sleeping) and told him good night. Well about 10 minutes later he came out and asked if he could use the computer in the commons room, and I was like whatever. Now something that also bothered me was that he told me that he had a ride home after we were finished, and when he got here he said that he didn???t have a ride. He also my friend who brought him over here that he didn???t need a ride home because he was going to stay here. So he basically invited himself to stay the night. Now as a general rule I only let close friends stay the night somewhere I am living. I take my living space very seriously it is like sanctuary to me. I don???t just share it with just anyone. So anyway after he went to bed he was seen masturbating on cam several times before he actually went to sleep which is more proof he had no interest in sleeping with me, his interest was in being in the house on cam. So anyway after Brock got home we talked about it and decided that he would not be invited back to the house.
Brock and I stayed up all night. I was disappointed I didn???t go to the club instead of staying home so Brock brought the club home to me. We turned the chartroom into CLUB CBL hehe. We danced and fucked and danced and fucked again, he rimmed me for like 45 minutes???.OMG it was so fucking hot!! Brock makes me so happy. Yes we might not have a conventional relationship but it works for us. I love him to death and just cant express how happy I am to have him in my life and how lucky I feel for having such a smart wonderful careing guy.
Well it was a VERY good end to a kind of stressful night
Saturday:
We slept in a little bit but woke up so we could take Prince asshole charming home as soon as possible. On the way we told him that he was no longer welcome to the house and it had been pretty unanimously decided between all the members of the house. I told him that I felt that he used me and I don???t tolerate that from anyone.
I felt sooo bad after dropping him off; I don???t know why???I guess I just have a hard time being a Bitch. I mean I have no reason to feel bad but I did for a few minutes. Then I was better. Hehehe
We came home and did some things around the house I worked on the computer a little bit. Later that evening my friend Christy wanted to know if I wanted to come out with her to southern nights. Now Christy and I haven???t gotten to spend much time together since I moved into CBL so it was sooo good to see her. She came over her with another friend of ours and got a tour of the house and then we went out to the club. I had arranged with Brock to just meet me there when he got off work. I had a really good time even though it was Lesbian night. We drank and danced and had a great time. Christy met up with a bunch of work friends and one of them (Chara) was there with her straight husband Alffe, they are a really cute little phillipino couple and they are super cool and fun to hang out with. I convince them to go to the drag show, and I knowingly put the straight guy up in the front row knowing full well the queens would harass him. (*Devious little smile*) So sure enough in the course of a 1-hour show this poor man got fondled, lap danced on, dry humped, and groped. He was such a good sport they kept buying him shots. Well he didn???t like the shots so he kept giving them to me. I left the show pretty damn drunk! Brock showed up in time for the second show so we stayed and watched it. I LOVE YOU CARMELLA GARCIA!!! She is a best friend with my best friend Steve so we are acquainted, but DAMN I love seeing her shows!! Brock really enjoyed it too. We left shortly after the show and went to a friend???s house for a little cozy get together. It was cool. We ended up passing out over there and waking up the next morning to go home and do chores.
Sunday:
I love cleaning day!! (Sarcastically) we got home at about 8 this morning so we wanted to take a nap and wake up for cleaning and the meeting, then get our cleaning done as quick as possible so we could go back to bed.
Brock decided to forgo the nap before the meeting and went to a tricks house for a quick fuck. I slept. We got up for cleaning and got all that done. Jonathan asked me if I wanted to go to his work and have a drink with him. So we get down there and had a great time. I got totally buzzed off one drink and we got silly together. I really enjoy spending time with Jonathan we are becoming good friends. After I got back I took a nap before chat and the rest of the night ill be finishing my diaries and going to bed early.
My roommate relations are really good. I don???t have a problem with anyone. We are all getting along remarkably well.
I had a really good week and I can???t wait to see what is in store for next week. Join me in chat and Ill talk to you all later!
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