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hey hey hey! What a week! It all started with new years!!!!
Although it didn???t go as planned, I still had a great time with my friend Christy. We were supposed to go in a limmo and it was going to be fairytale magical night. lol so much for that
Lol
Well we did have fun but there was allot of things that just fell apart much like the proceeding year. So really it was perfect!
We ended up getting drunk at Christies house.
I also spent the evening talking to my friend Adam who was on vacation (not by choice). He is a cool guy that has been talking to me for about a month and a half. We chat online allot but he seams too shy to ever come and meet me. I'm starting to think that he never will. He seams to be a real sweetheart and I would like to meet him and hang out.
I hurt myself at work. I went to pick up a tray and sprained my wrist. When I went to go get it checked out they said I also had tendenitous, which really sucks cause they say I cant serve again till it gets better. So I don???t know what I am going to do for money. I???m a little stressed but I always make it threw. On the good side of things I get a little break from serving which I was starting to get a little burned out on. So I have to host till my doctor tells me I can use my hand to serve again.
We had a few applicants come over this week. One of them was a guy named Jerry. I was stunned when I met him. It was an instant attraction. He has such an outgoing personality and he is HOT!! I really wanted to talk to him a little more because he did spend most of his time over here talking to zac about the house and such. I didn???t sense from the beginning a REALLY strong desire to get in. I figured that he just wanted to come and hang out for a bit and check out the house. What I saw and heard of him I liked allot and I didn???t want him to leave without the possibility of coming back and was afraid of the possibility that he would kina get lost in the application pile incase zaccie didn???t like him as a CBL applicant. So I was raiding Jonathans closet and I had on this hot outfit. For the first time in a long time I felt really ok with how I looked and I guess I just felt fucking hot! I think that gave me the extra confidence that I needed to ask him if he would be interested in going out to the club with us. I was really hoping he would say yes and he did. We went to lava lounge and we were talking and I just gravitated towards him. We got flirty with each other, and I got the signal from him that he was interest in me. Now in the back of my mind I'm thinking. Maybe this isn???t a good idea because he is an applicant and I don???t want to cause any drama. The other voice in my head.... the stronger voice was shouting FUCK IT!! Screw what other people think! For the first time in a long time you are extremely interested in someone special and there is no telling when you will see him again if you don???t make a move so GO FOR IT!!!! So I made sure he knew that I was interested. We went to the parliament house for a while and we spent most of the time chit chatting and getting to know each other. We get back to the house and I promise I really wasn???t planning on doing anything with him sexually (not that I didn???t want to, but thought that maybe it would be best if maybe we talked a little bit about it first) so we went to steak and shake for a little dinner and conversation. We discussed allot of things among which was the general outlook mainly from members and zac about roommates in a relationship with each other. Now I put to him in a hypothetical sanario a "what If". I asked what if we get closer to each other. I told him that I didn???t want to damage his chances of getting in the house. And he basically said that he was not about to let a situation slip by because of what some people might think and then he said that if he doesn???t get in he doesn???t get in NO BIG DEAL! He would still come to visit and he might enjoy being a guest more than a resident. So we came home and I still wasn???t planning on having sex with him and was perfectly happy with the idea of cuddling and snuggling with him all night. We started to cuddle and snuggle and caress each other and it was so wonderful. His skin was so soft and inviting. His hair smelled so good and his kisses were so so sweet. I saw quickly where this was heading and again in the back of my mind was the voice that said that I didn???t want any drama. Mainly from Brock but other house members. I didn???t want to be known as the CBL-boy who slept with the applicant and corrupted him or something equally dramatic. Again the other LOUDER voice was making more sense. FUCK IT! Don???t let a potential very special someone slip threw your fingers cause you are afraid of what people think!! So I decided that I would again tell him that if he sleeps with me or peruses anything with me it may damage his chances at getting in the house, and I told him that he was going to have to make the choice and it was totally up to him. And he basically shut me up with the most passionate kiss I have had in YEARS! I again said ARE YOU SURE? And he said SHUT UP! And began kissing me so deeply so gently I was uplifted to another place in another time where there was no cameras there was no audience and there was no CBL. It was just HE and I and it was the most passionate sex ive had in a LONG time. It was more than just getting off it was more than a QUICK HARD FUCK it was sustaining and lasting and I didn???t want it to end.
After the sex, we just lie there and held each other, we fell asleep cuddling and I slept the best ive slept in months
The next morning was of course Sunday, Cleaning day and meeting time. So I was of course expecting to be CRUSIFIED for what I had done but I really didn???t care AT ALL! So I sat there and let everything that was said about the "unspoken rule" BULLSHIT go in one ear and out the other. The only one who bitched about it was Brock. The others were just teasing me in a playful manner. After the meeting I had to go and get ready for work to see what my schedule would be for hosting. Jerry dropped me off and wanted to come pick me up after he had run some errands and stuff. So we came back to the house and I did my chores then we chilled in the theater room and watched a movie. I have such a good time cuddling him. He makes me feel very comfortable. We spent the rest of the night just hanging out with everyone except Brock, he seamed to recluse to his room. After the hot tub, Jerry and I went upstairs and had another amazing sexual experience with candles and plenty of sensuality, again it was amazing and felt so good. We got up this morning and I did my video diary while he got ready for school. After he left I sat down to write this written diary. I decided to skip the stupid drama so it wouldn???t take away from me relaying this beautiful experience to you all, I didn???t want the person in question to get what he wanted and that was to guilt me into feeling bad about what I was doing. I will get more into this in room mate interactions, as it is hardly comparative to the good things that deserve to be told about my week.
All and all it was a great week and I look forward to the coming week.
Room Mate Interactions:
Kevin:
I???m glad to have Kevin home I missed having the little guy around. I???m glad he had a good vacation and I am also glad that he has things straightened out with Jim as far the status of the relationship or lack there of. Now maybe Kevin can move on to better things. GOOD LUCK KEVIE! you gunna get a fine man!!!
Jonathan: we haven???t seen much of each other the past few days and I hope he isn???t mad at me or anything.....Jonathan is probly the only one in the house who I really care what he thinks. on a friend level Id be sad if he was mad at me about something. I plan to talk to him this evening and maybe he has just been busy,.... well see.
Zaccie. We have been getting along really well the past few weeks. No problems what so ever! I???ve been going over allot of ideas for chat and things for the site.
Brock :(
I have purposely left out the drama Brock is causing in my life for the simple fact that I am not letting it get to me. This is basically what it boils down to. I have moved on. He didn???t expect to feel any certain way about me and the first person that I seamed to show interest in. He is cleverly using the fact that Jerry is an applicant as a catalyst to precede the notion that that is the reason why he doesn???t think I should have sex with him. As hard as it is for you to realize Brock. Whether he was an applicant or not is not the issue here. You are fighting feelings that you thought you had long since berried in someone else???s ass. You thought maybe sex with other people meant that you were moving on, but the truth is, that was just a temporary fix. Feelings like that don???t just go away they have to be dealt with. I empathize with the pain, but there is nothing I can do to help that. You made the decision and have been pushing me for the past 6 weeks to move on. Well I am doing just that. And as far as me "flaunting" things in your face and I am to blame for "jabbing the dagger in you heart" as you so dramatically put it is SOOOO untrue. YOU were the one who decided to watch MY cam in MY bedroom; YOU made yourself sit threw it. YOU were the one who put yourself in the middle of the hot tub situation. Once again you chose to sit there and watch us. And as for me not respecting you the way you respected me??? Here is the thing. I asked you to not bring anyone over for a few weeks to give me time to get over it. I used the time wisely to get over it. You chose to bottle it up and not deal with it. So it is not my fault that after 6 weeks you are not yet over it, after giving me the strong impression that you were over it. Now you pull a 360% turn around and act like I knew you went over it and am purposely doing the to hurt you like we JUST broke up...well its been 6 weeks, there is a BIG difference. So please don???t blame me for you putting yourself in a situation to HURT inside by watching my cam, intruding on intimate moments thinking just cause you come in the room I will put my life on hold, and even by reading this diary as I???m sure you will do. This is your decision to expose yourself to me moving on. Now granted I???m not going to fuck someone right in front of you. That would just be mean but by you watching my cam you are just bringing it on yourself. I have tried to be your friend Brock and I am really hurt by the way you reacted to this in chat and the way you are trying to paint me as "the bad guy" for doing exactly what you wanted me to do. IF you can stop trying to make me look bad and stop being vengeful than I would like to begin building a friendship with you like I have always been open to doing. This means no more causing fights to push my buttons so I say things that hurt me and make me look mean. And this also means letting go of the past.
I will always love you on some level Brock just not the level that I wanted but you refused. Lets just please GET OVER THIS so we can move on with our lives and our friendship.
I apologize for the harsh, fed up nature of this portion of the diary but I have tried sensitivity to no avail. I truly hope that we can get over each other and just be friends. I am over it now it???s your turn.
ALWAYS here for you as a friend, David
Well that does it for this week???s diary. I hope I didn???t cause too much damage and I really hope that Brock and I can now move forward. I am truly sorry for the harshness of this entry but this has been building for weeks now and everything I said was true and I meant every word. PLEASE do the right thing with this information Brock, don???t take it, as an attack for this is MY diary and MY way of expressing it. I hope you can be mature enough to filter threw it and make sense of what I am trying to say. You are a good person and we are good friends but we need to move on from this and berry it once and for all or we have no hope for a future or present friendship.
Member interactions:
I have greatly enjoyed chatting with the members over the holidays; it has made me feel a little less alone. You are all a MAJOR part of this site and we all appreciate you every day! Sometimes there is drama in life, it is how we interpret it and process the information that helps us learn from it. It is vital and necessary to personal growth and existence. Not all drama is bad and EVIL! Not becoming consumed by it makes US all stronger. You all have the unique advantage of being able to experience life with us, seeing our natural drama, learning along with us, becoming stronger with us, and applying the lessons learned here to your own lives and your own reality. ENJOY CBL for everything that it is and everything you can learn from it.
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