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01/18/04
Ok, another week has gone by and its time again to write in the good ole??? CBL diary. I do have to admit I???m not exactly excited to do this. Just cause the simple fact that sometimes I get in a mood and don???t feel as extroverted as I really am. I???m sure this will subside as I begin. There are a lot of things on my mind, most of which my feelings of annoyance. Expressing them makes me even more annoyed. While yes, I do live in a cam house; I am a very private person in a lot of ways. I know that will get a lot of you scratching your heads. Let me try to explain. The cams in this house are so small up in the corner of the room you barely notice that they are there. And even acknowledging that they are there threw chat and so fourth, it is known that there is a considerable distance between you and the people at the other end of the cameras so there is still a sense of privacy, yes A LOT of people can see you, but there is no one physically there. More than that, I have my personal space. In this sense, I am a VERY private person. My room is my personal territory and somewhere I seek refuge and sanctuary, it is my sacred space and that is just the way I feel. I feel the same way about the house I live in. It is really hard to have a lot of people here at random. I am enjoying the application process and love meeting new people have met a lot wonderful guys throughout the process, but I will be glad when it is over. I have also always been sensitive to chaotic energy around me and it feels like the house is always restless. With Kevin leaving, people in and out of the house, the emotions I???m going threw with life right now is just leaving me drained. I feel like I have a head ache all the time and I don???t know why. And like I said NO one should take any of this personally at all. I am just drained. I can???t wait till the house gets settled with new roommates and everything is balanced out again. Everyone who has applied is great and it???s going to be some hard choices for zac and us boys to make.
Other than that I have been really stressed about work and school and how things are going to work out. Its just one thing at a time one foot in front of the other. Sometimes I just get so anxious I just want to take leaps and bounds and get it over with. But I need to be patient. Patient with myself and patient with everything else. So, I am still undecided about which I???m going to try and do first, school or work for car. But it???s a decision that is in the making and will be executed shortly.
I am really excited for Tuesday because I have a gig with Jerry. We are singing back up vocals for a Choral group called Toxic Audio at Disney!!!!! I cant wait it has been years since I have performed ANYTHING. I am really nervous but it should be a lot of fun.
Jerry and I are doing pretty well. I am trying to get him to understand that it is ok that he has a life outside of me. I know he has school and work and not a lot of time in between. All I ask is that I be squeezed in there at some point, and we do get time together, just not like everyday???..which is really a good thing. Two people shouldn???t spend 24 hours a day with each other when they first meet???.its not healthy. It is a little difficult because I feel bad that EVERY time he has to drive out here to see me. If I had a car I would come see him and we could meet places, and that would make it a lot easier to see each other. We live a LONG way away from each other and I don???t think its fair for him to always have to make the effort to drive here if he wants to see me. If I only had a car, my life would be so much easier. We hung out all day at universal studios and spent the night at his house. We had a great time. I feel like we are getting closer to each other a little bit. We will be doing the same tomorrow; I have no chat for 2 days so we will be hanging out together. I have a lot of fun with jerry am hopeful about our future.
I feel like I???m leaving a lot out of this diary, but like I said in the beginning, I???m not really feeling like myself right now. Here is the roommate interactions for the week
Kevin.
Kevin left us this week. It is really sad and I am sad to see him go, but at the same time could slap the shit out of him for making such a mountain out of a mole hill. All he had to do was fix the fucking blinds. It would have cost him maybe 20$ to replace the 2 tiny little wood slats he broke on them???. they do sell the slates individually???I checked online. And if he would have told Zac right away that he broke them on accident, I guarantee that Zac wouldn???t have been nearly as mad as he was and would have been willing to help with fixing it???after all accidents happen.. Instead, he never told zac about the blinds and when zac found out about it, he tried to lie about it. Then he refused to do anything to correct the situation. Well, Now he is talking all this trash like Zac and Jonathan are going to throw us out next, um???he said that he was going to get CBL shut down and start all kinds of lawsuits against Zac???and I couldn???t help but be reminded of Jim. I know that may sound harsh but that is how he was acting. Well with the exception that Kevin wasn???t a drunken drug addict.
Kevin, did you make the right decision? No but do I love ya? Ofcorse, and I hope everything works out for you. You are a cool guy and it???s been a pleasure getting to know you. Please don???t let your aggravations with zac cause you to make rash decisions like lawsuits against CBL that you know you cant win. One its too expensive???Two, its not worth it man???just let it go. Ok? MAUH Kevin and I hope you come and visit me
ZAC
Zac has been really stressed lately but unlike most times he has remained civil through out it all FOR THE MOST PART. Zaccie has been great the last week.
Jonathan: Jonathan has been all excited about the new car and he is just tickled pink. I did find out what he was upset with me about and it has been settled, so we are getting along really good lately.
Brock
I???m really torn here about what to say. I like Brock, he is my friend. BUT I am so annoyed with him right now I cant see straight.
He did something this week with the applicant dustian that was really wickedly shady. I was really disappointed in him for this. He tried to get the applicant in bed and when Brock was turned down, he told the applicant he wasn???t the right material for CBL. This was a conversation was recorded on AIM and I was REALLY tempted to post it here so you could read for yourself. Brock says he was just testing the applicant, but honestly I don???t believe him. The chat log spoke for itself. It hurt me in a way, that I stuck up for him any time someone had something bad to say about Brock being shady or anything like that then he goes and does that. I will go into this a lot more in my video diary. I just want to say Brock that you are a good guy and I don???t know why you would do that. With your general attitude around the house lately it just seams that you don???t want to be here. Try to come out of your room more and have some fun!! Life is more than going to work and chat. I hope you come around dear! And I'm sorry if this entry was harsh but its true.
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