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SO, As promised I am in a MUCH better mood that I was in last week. This week has really flown by. A lot has happened and there is some good and some bad, and some in the middle. I guess Ill just start from the beginning so you all know what the hell im talking about!!
When I left off I was doing my diary withholding a little bit. I was extremely irritated for another reason. And I am going to try and be civil here but it might come out like Cybil instead of civil!! Now granted I don???t know Jeff very well but lets just say that I was not impressed with the first impression he gave me. And I EMPHISIZE that I don???t know Jeff yet and I am not passing judgments here at all. Im sure he is a nice person. I look forward to getting to know him. Let me explain why I was irritated Sunday night. Well as you know Sunday was his first day interviewing here at CBL. Well, he just didn???t seam to get the point that Jerry and I are dating. Now I know that there is no firm commitment from either of us as being exclusive but I was annoyed because Jeff kept hitting on jerry. Not in a subtle way either. Now mind you the fact that he was hitting on jerry pissed me off a little, but what really pissed me off was that Rob, pulled him aside and told Jeff that jerry and I were an item and I was getting a little pissed that he kept hitting on jerry (side note???nothing had been established as far as relationship wise with jerry as of yet, so I was really really into him at this time)(as I still am). After Rob???s discussion with Jeff, HE STILL WAS HITTING ON JERRY. He saw it was pissing me off and he still did it regardless. So much so that it was irritating Jerry too. So call me jaded but Jeff didn???t make a good first impression on me AT ALL!! From what I saw and granted it was only for a short time that I was around him, he did not have much respect for me at all. So I was sitting on that, trying to keep myself in control and be nice cause he was an applicant. Now Jeff may be a perfectly nice guy and we may have just gotten off on the wrong foot. So I look forward to getting to know Jeff and I hope that we can get on ???the right foot??? with each other seeing that he is now my new room mate for however long it is that I remain at CBL.
I started out the rest of the week really excited to spend some alone time away from the house with jerry just the two of us. It was sooooo fucking relaxing!! I was soo mellow and relaxed. I had a great time with him! We went to do our gig at Disney with Toxic Audio. They are an Vocal group that synthesizes musical instruments with their voices. VERRY COOL!! They are amazing!! Well our part was singing backup vocals with them. I got to be on stage with them while they performed and it was REALLY great!! I had SOOOO much fun!!! The song we sang was listen to the music by the doobie brothers. It sounded soooo cool! Our compensation was 4 Disney tickets. After the show Jerry and I were sneaking off while the rest of the group was being escorted back to the entrance of the park. Jerry and I rode a few rides that I had never been on and we stayed for the firework display at the end. It was really cool. The next day we slept in a little and came back in the afternoon so I could chat. On the way home I started ???The conversation??? You all know the one???.I???m starting to have feelings for you and I would like to know where you see this going. This whole conversation started cause there is always mention of ???friends??? he is hooking up with to ???watch movies??? and ???hang out with??? but I have never met any of them and they are ALL guys. This one in particular was a very cute guy I did meat at the club the night before While we were getting ready to leave for me to take him home he called jerry and wanted to ???hang out??? and ???watch movies??? with him. I guess in a way I was looking for some kind of commitment from him. And not like a solid relationship commitment. I just told him that sex means a lot to me and I wanted to know that I was the only one he was having sex with. I know and support being able to see other people. That is what dating is. But I just wanted to know that I was the only person that he was having sex with. He said that he couldn???t promise me that that I would be the only one. So in other words he was not willing to be monogamous with me. And that turned into me asking what his feelings were for me. And he told me that he ??? was still waiting for something??? He said he cared about me and enjoyed being around me but wanted to have ???an open relationship??? it was about then my heart sank into my stomach and I wanted to cry. Now I was not expecting this instant love relationship I was actually expecting very little because things usually go smoother without expectations. But I DEFANATLY was not expecting to hear the ???open relationship??? phrase. And I really thought I felt something from him. I believed he was having feelings for me too. So when he said that he ???was still waiting for something??? I could have died. So after our conversation I guess we decided to still ???date??? each other and ???see what happens??? Which really, am ok with. Just what he said struck a painful memory that is all too familiar about the whole open relationship. So I get home and he falls asleep next to me while I am trying to hold it together in chat. After chat we fell asleep in were holding each other and I started to cry. I could not stop myself. After a while he leaves to go ???hang out??? with his friend. Now I am already a wreck. Brock comes in and sees how upset I am and he tells me to confide in him and tell him what is wrong. So after a while of resisting???I do I told him everything and he promises me not to tell anyone. Later that night Brock and I got into a little fight that turned into a big fight. He pissed me off so bad I eventually ended up telling him that I wish I had never met him. So Brock decides to go for the jugular and hit me in the softest spot I have. He said ???Go fuck jerry, oh wait, jerry is fucking someone else right now,,,, he doesn???t want you just like I never wanted you just like no one will EVER want you. So I smacked him right across the face. Now mind you I have NEVER been so angry in my life that I would want to hurt someone. That is the firs time in my life I have struck someone when I wasn???t defending myself. Now I barely slapped him. It didn???t even leave a mark. Like I have said I have hit someone before but only in self defense so it surprised me that I was that angry. No one has ever been able to push me to that point. Brock acted like I had just beat the living shit out of him. He wanted to call 911 and make a big seen. Now I knew I was wrong for slapping him but at the same time I didn???t feel like I was wrong. We basically decided that we were no longer friends and that was it. The next morning I went to zac and told him what had happened. And Jonathan too. I was told by a lot of people that while slapping him wasn???t the best thing to do, they did not blame me at all. Which is how I feel totally about it. Sometimes when you go for the kill on someone it backfires. He went for the kill on me and I smacked the shit out of him. I feel that it wasn???t the best thing to do at the time but honestly if he said the same thing to me again today, Id want to smack him again. It was a build up of everything he has ever done to me. All came rushing back. I don???t know if you understand or not. But I do.
That is enough on that note. I spent the rest of the week calling in people for interviews and helping zaccie around the office. I called in 4 more applicants. Speaking of applicants Id like to welcome ROB and JEFF to cbl. CONGRADULATIONS!! I look forward to getting to know you both. Jeff no hard feelings here at all. WELCOME!
Umm I???m trying to think of what else happened this wee, Oh on Sunday Brock came In the meeting and apologized to everyone and made a VERY commendable effort to make amends with me and zac and Jonathan for the way he has been acting lately. I really commend him and I will really try hard to work past our differences.
Jerry and I will be fine. I still look forward to seeing how things progress even if it???s just as friends.
I hate to kind of cut it off here but I see the sun coming up and I haven???t even started my video diary yet
So Im going to stop on that note.
Have a great week and Ill see you in chat/
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