The Final Diary Entry
Ok here it is, My last diary entry here at cbl. Im not really sure where to begin. First i want to thank EVERYONE for making this such a memorable experiance. First and foremost, Zac and jonathan. You have provided me with this environment that I have learned so much and had so much fun. It takes 2 very special people to open up their beautiful home to first the members of this site and secondly to us...the cbl boys. Along with a wonderful experiance you have also provided your friendship aswell which i will always treasure. Secondly i want to thank the members of this site. Thank you for being there for me. You have all made it fun and easy to truely be myself. Most of all my thanks goes out to my room mates zac and jonathan included. You have all been like family to me, and mean so very much to me. We have all been threw alot together and I will never forget ANY of you. Zac Jonathan, Brock, Kevin, Jim, Sean, Rob, jeff and nick. You are all im my heart. I have learned so much from each and every one of you, and all of you out there.
I came to cbl early in early September in a frame of mind that seems so distant and far away now that i look back on it. I had no idea what to expect or what i was in for. All i knew was i was about to embark on a six month journy on display for all to see. I wanted to show people that there is more to gay life than jumping from one bed to another. CBL being the kind of site it is gave me a unique opportunity to do so. As sex was a small part of my life here at cbl those who have watched me know that there IS much more to my life than sex. At the time, yes it was partially a last ditch effort to save a relationship that was slipping from my grasp. Of corse at the time i didnt see that.......living with my boyfriend just seemed to be an added bonus to the experience. I ignored EVERYONES concerns about my decision to come to cbl, but had I heeded their warnings I would have never had the opportunity to grow and change as i have. All my life i have done that. Threw what ever twist of fate I have always chosen a path that would turn out to be the most difficult, not that it is always a conscious decision but no matter how hard it is it is usually the path that yields the most change and learning.
If i have learned anything in life it is that life is about learning from the past. The most important thing is to remember that what is TRUELY improtant in life is not what circumstancially happens threw either fate or consciousness, but what we take away from consequence. Nothing is coincidental. A situation which may seem momentarily unfortunate is only so for the time being. The quickest way to learn is through pain, which is yes uncomfortable, but usually tends to yield greater happiness. So do we go through life purposly setting ourselves up to fail? No. life has a natural current that will carry you along with it, so basically you will fail or succeed whether you plan on it or not. It is the fear of failure that can destroy us if we let it. Fear is one of the most useless reactions to an emotion. All we can do is make the best out of what life has to offer and the decisions we make which in turn creates the reallity in which we live. . So why do we seem to make the same mistakes? Because we allow ourselves to become distracted with the distructive things and we forget how simple it is. There will again come a time just like before when i forget this wisdom and allow fear to rule my life, but that experience will ultamatly resolidify this key to life, and THAT is what makes life beautiful.
Make life beautiful, and enjoy everything life has to offer because to quote a favorite song of mine, "everything in life is only for now."
take care, and Ill be seeing you all soon.
I love you all
LA LA!
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